Miscarriage & Me

Among women who know they're pregnant, it's estimated about 1 in 8 pregnancies will end in miscarriage (NHS website). . I was the 1 in 8. I was prepared for a miscarriage as I have Polycystic Ovaries and the stats for miscarriage with this condition is higher than without. . BUT it was DEVASTATING. ** TRIGGER WARNING . It was our first pregnancy and so exciting! We had called our little one Olive as we chatted about and to him/her. . Then it started. A bit of spotting. we were told everything was fine and we saw Olives heart beat on a scan. We fell deeper in love.

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A week later and I phoned my Dad to come get me as I needed to go into the hospital I was bleeding alot. Brad raced home on his motorbike to meet us and we all went. Alfred our beloved dog sat in the back with me snuggled up. I felt sick, sick in my heart as I knew what was happening, I just knew. . PLEASE DONT READ ANY FURTHER IF YOU MAY BE TRIGGERED. . Once we were finally seen I was asked to lay on a hospital bed for an examination. There was alot of blood as I lay on the bed. The Dr asked me to lay ready for an examination. then announced 'oh I just need to go and get something'. She left me laying there, bleeding, no cover for dignity, just laying there with the bed becoming more saturated in blood. . Brad stood there holding my hand, trying to mask his sadness at how we were being treated. Finally the Dr returned. She said everything could be ok and to go home and see what happens! . I knew it wasnt ok. . We had been in the week before and had a scan and seen Olives heart beating. This time things felt and according to the amount of blood loose looked different. We asked to have a scan, we were told we didnt need it. Luckily we persisted and a lovely sonographer performed a scan.

She gently confirmed Olives heart has stopped. Then she said she had seen something during the scan which she wanted to refer me to a specialist about. She said nothing to worry about* . Normally I'd be all questions about what 'it' was. but I just wanted to go. I wanted to just get home and curl up. *(*turns out I have Endometriosis as well as Polycystic Ovaries, one tube was so blocked they cant work out how I've been pregnant!!). . I didnt go to work for a week. I physically couldnt. I couldn't walk for the pain I was in as my body released Olive (maybe the pain was so great due to the Endometriosis?). . What you are not told is to be prepared to pass your little one and what to do when this happens. I sat on the toilet and just let the blood drain from me. Then I felt something pass. I got up and looked and I saw Olive! I wasnt expecting to see anything after all I was only around 7/8 weeks pregnant. . I froze. what do I do? . I had Olive on a bit of tissue. I went and told Brad. I didnt know what to do. What do I do? . I wasnt ready for this, I hadn't envisioned this happening..... I said a little prayer and then let Olive go. I let the water wash us apart. . I cried and cried and cried. . I allowed myself to feel all the feels then after a couple weeks I pulled myself together..... after all the pregnancy wasnt viable. it wasnt anyones fault it just wasnt meant to be. . I knew this, I knew it all to be true. BUT I was still not feeling ok, I was still crying. I went to my GP. I remember saying..... 'I'm still crying, I think there must be a hormonal imbalance or something because I cant control it and I'm normally a really positive person, but nothing is working'. He was so lovely. He gently touched my arm and said, 'it's ok, I think your just feeling sad and that is normal and ok. If you feel poorly, have any pains or you just want to come back for a chat, please do.' . So that was that, I was sad for a time. I was sad for Olive, I was sad at our horrible experience at the hospital, I was sad about the bathroom experience, I was sad the future we had day dreamed about was gone and I didnt know if a new day dream would ever occur. . Why have I told you alllll of this? Because we dont really discuss all the pain, all the feelings behind the fake smiles and polite chit chat. I'm hoping in sharing this some one will feel a connection, they will not feel quite so alone. It's TRUE, I'm a pretty upbeat kind of person but during this I needed to allow my self a bit of slack and to a knowledge what had happened and how it felt. . Your not alone, there is a cyber village of women here to hold you when you need it. just reach out. . xx Colette xx 6 months after my M.C I fell pregnant with Ren and only found out because I did a pregnancy test before a pre operation for my Endometriosis! We now have Ren 4 and Pearl 8 months.